


It Came From The Meteor

by Animunculi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Babies, Banter, Gen, Parenthood, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-02-29 06:48:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18773413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animunculi/pseuds/Animunculi
Summary: tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]TT: Have we had the time to properly discuss methods of Classical Conditioning and associative stimuli in the realm of potty training?turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT]





	1. 11/12/93

**Author's Note:**

> Alpha Rose and Dave as they prepare for (read: freak the fuck out about) the arrival of a their hopefully baby-sized meteors.
> 
> And yes, I'm sure that pesterchum was a thing on Alpha Earth in 1993. In fact, I'm absolutely sure it was.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: so meteors yeah

TG: one crashed in dont give a fuckistan

TG: was that mine or what

TG: yo rose i know youre online

TG: do i have to go to dont give a fuckistan and get the kid or what

TT: In almost any other circumstance, that statement alone would classify you as “certifiable”. In this instance, you would simply be classified as “the Patron Saint of Bad Grammar”. I know there’s a hyphen on your keyboard, Dave, you might want to try familiarizing yourself with it.

TT: But regardless, no. I don’t believe so. It was likely just a generic meteor.

TT: Ours will be among a series of four. There are two other children destined to, as you so eloquently put it, “superman the shit out of Earth” that will arrive around the same time and relatively near us. Trust me when I say that you will know.

TG: i didn’t capitalize earth

TT: My apologies.

TT: Out of innocent curiosity, have you been trolling newscasts for your meteor? Did you perhaps type “meteor” into Google news and are obsessively refreshing the page?

TT: Gasp! Might there be a latent father lying dormant in this irresponsible young man longing to burst forth and nurture his child?!

TG: how dare you

TG: i just thought it was pretty fucking unlikely that my little bro would be on time

TG: i know i dont follow your stupid time tables so why the hell should he

TG: my bro would totally be late

TG: for fucking everything

TG: gonna raise that boy right

TT: Indeed. To answer your heavily disguised query, our children should arrive at relatively the same time. Within days of each other, in fact. Although not for another year or so. I do hope you’ve finished your shopping.

TG: im not buying all that shit rose

TT: Dave. Please tell me this just is another one of your terribly ironic attempts at, and I quote, “humor”?

TG: yeah i know how much that word confuses you

TG: but no

TG: im being hella legit right now

TT: Have you read any of the instructional manuals I sent?

TG: what no

TG: dude rose seriously

TG: why would you need a manual for a baby

TG: babys are easy

TG: only thing they need is a cute as fuck pair of killer shades

TG: which have already been purchased from a sweaty guy at an anime convention boom solid parenting

TT: Dear God.

TT: You cannot be your typical lackadaisical self about this, Dave. You have a responsibility, one might even say a destiny, to support this child. This quite literally what we were born to do. Every part of our self was brought into being because these children will require our support. And if my scrying is correct, then your child will require a great deal of supporting.

TG: why

TG: whats wrong with him

TT: He is simply an enormous, withering mass of insecurity-based-superiority and control issues all wound up in an extended identity crises. The cause of which I am unsure, but can safely assume based on this entire conversation, might arise from a fatal disconnect with a paternal role model.

TT: You, perhaps?

TG: k one

TG: never describe my little bro with the word withering again

TG: hes not one of your stupid lovecraft gods

TG: two

TG: hes not gonna have issues

TG: im the fucking grandmaster of not having issues

TG: all yodaing the shit out of these unreal issues

TG: unreal like not real not like unreal air

TG: wait why the fuck am i explaining this youre psychic you know what im talking about

TT: It’s not an insult, Dave.

TT: A handicap of any kind is a prerequisite for growth. What trials would a perfectly functioning young man and woman face? The trials we overcome define us. After all, we do not teach our children, Dave, we provide the circumstances from which they will learn.

TG: nah

TG: thats hella dumb

TG: sounds like you justifying that antiques road show of booze you got going on in your basement

TG: you said your girl would be an alcoholic

TG: and youre just

TG: letting that happen

TT: It’s already happened in the future.

TG: that made a lot of sense

TT: Her addiction is predetermined. Who am I to stand in the way of predetermination? Her trial is something momentous she must triumph over before she realizes herself and goes on to do great things.

TT: And she will do great things.

TG: what did you see her do

TT: Nothing yet. But any daughter of mine will be great, if only by relation.

TG: bullshit

TG: shes gonna pollute the world with more wizard fanfiction

TG: mommy and baby bonding time

TG: wizard fanfiction edition

TG: …

TG: new movie title called it


	2. 7/23/94

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Have you decided on a name yet or are you going to be treated to another Grand Prix of my preferred baby names?

TG: hell no rose we are not playing that game again

TG: no way am i getting suckering into another round of which one of us knows less about sports

TG: the fuck are you on that you think odin is a legit baby name

TG: and why the fuck would i name him already

TG: i havent even seen him yet

TT: The naming of a child, and its ceremonial followings, are a critical moment of not only the child’s life, but the parent’s. This moment can occur even before the child’s birth.

TG: yeah but if i havent seen him i wont know if hes a hella or a jeff yet

TT: According to a woefully plebian parenting book that took me approximately an hour to read, the ceremony of naming encourages parental bonding with an adoptive child.

TG: wow you really ignored that

TT: I imagine you could easily find a number of books on the paternal bond with an adoptive child. Surely, however, since these children are our own ectogenetic relations, they wouldn’t be a perfect approximation of your potential relationship, but I assume you would do well to read them regardless.

TG: im just gonna keep interrupting your purple prose it actually makes this shit easier to read

TT: I for one am quite excited to present her with an honorary placronym when she turns thirteen. I have heard of some parents having them soldered before birth.

TG: why before birth

TG: or crashed to earth on a destiny meteor or some shit

TG: you clearly have no idea how babys are born

TG: hitting heavily populated cities with a hopefully baby-sized meteor

TG: not like rhode island sized

TG: whatever that means

TG: rose what does that even mean

TT: Couldn’t hazard a guess.

TG: anyway

TG: not naming a baby im not totally sure exists

TG: dont wanna get too attached right

TT: I would very much want to get too attached. That is the point of our lives. Besides, once we bond with the child and our hormones recognize it as our own, we won’t have much choice in the matter.

TT: But as for names, I’m thinking of something similar to my own name. To denote familiarity. However, she just doesn’t seem like a “Rose”, such a meaningful name would smoother her. She’s a wild, singularly unique child. She deserves a wild and singularly unique name.

TG: just name her after one of the kardashians and be done with it

TT: At this moment, I, for not even the first time this evening, am embarrassed for you.

TG: yeah that was rough

TG: so is she here yet

TT: No. I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. I believe she, and your baby, will arrive in winter.

TG: oh thats why you sent me all those mittens

TG: wait

TG: i live in houstan

TG: the fuck is he gonna need mittens for

TG: except for serving up his hot as fuck rhymes am I right

TG: juggling all his machiavellian flaming irons

TG: handling his barrage of bitches

TG: so hot they must be handled with gloves

TG: wait

TG: he was gonna be gay or something

TG: handle his barrage of neighborhood gentlemen with gloves then

TG: gonna be getting called into the principals office

TG: all like

TG: sir your son has seduced all available bachelors in the student body

TG: which is all of them because theyre like ten in this metaphor

TG: then we exchange a proud yet hella respectful high five

TG: like men

TG: but well be wearing mittens because reasons yo

TG: rose you still there

TT: Does this train of thought, which has swerved violently off the rails as per usual, require my involvement?

TG: not really

TG: wait

TG: yeah

TG: whyd you send me mittens

TT: I knitted far too many in pink and lavender and decided to try my hand at orange.

TT: I also considered the possibility of a family vacation encompassing yourself and your “bro” to a colder climate. Perhaps along the east coast, spending time in the capital and areas of historical significance. And, for cultural enrichment, stopping in New York City. And if you were aware of a well-functioning, stable family unit encompassing a daughter and a mother, with whom you are acquainted, you might be tempted to spend an enjoyable Christmas at their home.

TT: Where merriment, crucial peer socialization, and good parenting would surely take place.

TT: Theoretically, of course.

TG: man sounds like a riot

TG: if only I knew a stable well functioning family unit

TT: Dave.

TG: hahaha

TG: oh my god rose for real

TG: youre asking me to hang out with you

TG: in like the most round about possible way

TG: like what was your plan here

TG: you had to send the mittens then wait for me to bring it up just so you could type out the worlds dullest vacation plan

TG: then finish it by definitely not asking me to come hang out with you

TT: Dave.

TG: well hell yes rose

TG: hell fucking yes

TG: crucial peer socialization off the port bow

TT: I know this is funny to you, Dave, but I am trying very hard to do something which does not come naturally to me. I know we are steeped in culture depicting motherhood as a process that all women are innately good at as to justify the relegation of women to the role of glorified servant, but it is not true.

TT: I can’t even think of a damn name for her, much less enthuse myself over dolls and ponies and social interaction.

TG: i know rose

TG: but hey i got something you might like

TT: What?

TG: just a thought

TG: shes a hard drinking party girl

TT: Superficially.

TG: yeah

TG: but thats the point

TG: anyway

TG: i was thinking

TG: tiffany

TG: tiff

TT: Ew.

TG: britany

TG: oh right

TG: you wanted similar to rose

TT: ...

TG: oh god

TG: this is great

TT: Well, don’t keep it to yourself.

TG: haha youll lovehate this

TT: Are you attempting dramatic tension? Have you waited until your second movie to develop any story telling ability?

TG: keep your tits on woman

TG: this is the best

TG: roxy

TT: Roxy.

TG: eh eh

TT: Roxy.

TG: yeah

TT: Roxy.

TG: are you having a stroke

TG: try smiling

TG: wait i forgot you cant

TG: sing the national anthem backwards and burp the abcs

TT: I’m testing it out. Keep your tits on.

TT: Hm. Roxy.

TT: I like it.


	3. 7/14/95

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get hyped for purple prose and half-assed psychoanalysis.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: k

TG: and dont think this is because of your incessant pestering

TG: but i decided on a name

TT: Excellent. Please don’t leave me waiting, Dave, I must hear this undoubtedly appropriate and carefully selected title by which your child will hence forth be known.

TG: dirk

TG: dirk strider

TG: get it

TG: because its a porn name

TT: So I gathered.

TG: guess where i got it from

TG: guess

TT: Please don’t tell me.

TG: a porn star

TG: the guy does gay porn

TG: hes actually named dirk pounder but it still works

TG: im casting that motherfucker in my next sweet bro and hella jeff movie

TT: I know you’re only doing this to get a rise out of me, but I’m stuck on one slight detail.

TG: what

TT: You watch gay porn?

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT: Holy shit, Dave.

TT: Naming your child, one whom we know will be gay through the esoteric process that is my brain, after a porn actor is quite a Freudian feat. Not to mention a wildly, sexually charged bolt of inspiration.

TT: I hope you don’t mind my using you in my next dissertation. I’m hoping to receive a Doctorate from the University of New York and your existence and the effort you appear to go through to provide delightful evidence of Freud’s more, as we say in the academic community, delicate theories is truly an inspiration to all doctorate hopefuls.

TT: I could go on, but I won’t.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: You know what, actually I will.

TT: Buckle up, Dave, this is going to be a bumpy ride. 

TT: Starting with how you conceptualize your own sexuality would be unfathomably cruel, so I’ll start with how you relate to other homosexual men. It’s almost as if you’ll be sharing in your younger bro’s, who I shall hence forth refer to as Dirk Strider but never again, adolescent trial of sexuality.

TT: I’m sure this could be construed as a learning process for you, and I do pray Dirk is more secure about his own sexuality as to support your own misgivings, but given your attitude, I highly doubt it.

TT: The joking matter in which you approach Dirk’s sexuality, while entirely shutting down at any mention of your own, divulges more then you intend. Obviously, you turn to jokes at any hint of a meaningful conversation, which gives me the distinct impression you’ve thought about any given topic quite a lot to have so many retorts at the tip of your tongue, and yet you have nothing to say on this subject. This “shut down”, if I may, points to a deeply irritating topic for you that you have thus far refused to muse over. Still, despite your many faults, you have a very active, curious mind and thus must address the topic somehow, and it appears you are doing so through Dirk. But even your unwillingness to approach the topic from your own point of view, only allowing it in the context of Dirk, hasn’t given you a clear answer.

TT: Why is that, I wonder? Perhaps the hypothesis you reached didn’t align with cultural norms and values you’ve associated with traditional “brohood” you embrace for the purposes of only the most sincerest of ironies. I can imagine clashing personal and traditional views would be a tribulation for any person, yet you, who eschews traditional views as a sort of hobby, have strayed away from this one. Too personal, I imagine.

TT: So why this sudden personalization of a common and well-discussed issue in human society? A trauma from your childhood? I would suggest a friend who was bullied for the same reason except you have certainly never made a friend in your life. Perhaps the painful and sudden rejection of a childhood crush? Or maybe you simply find sex a difficult topic to broach in the first place, yet yours was hardly a puritanical upbringing. The possibilities are endlessly fascinating!

TT: I mustn’t allow myself to speculate on the cause when the effect is clear; the only way you can even consider the concept of fluid sexuality, much less discuss it with me, very likely your only friend, is through your bro, Dirk.

TT: Truly a fascinating case study. Pardon me while I fetch a pen.

TG: oh my god

TG: why is this happening to me

TG: what did i do to deserve you

TG: i wont name him dirk for fucks sake just stop

TT: No.

TG: what

TT: It’s grown on me.

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT]


End file.
